Ask Your Partner This One Question
The answer will tell you exactly where their sense of self lives
Most couples are appreciating each other for the wrong things.
You can tell your partner they were a rock through a hard time, mean every word of it, and watch it land flat. The reason is, that’s not what they actually need to feel seen for.
There’s a question I love to ask couples in session. It’s simple, and the answer is almost never what you’d expect.
What do I want to be appreciated for by my partner?
Whatever comes up is where their sense of self lives. That’s what they need to be recognized for to feel truly seen in the relationship. And if you’re not speaking to that specifically, the appreciation you’re giving them is missing the target.
In this clip from a recent live session inside The Practice, I walk through what this looks like in practice, and how knowing this about your partner changes how you communicate with them.
Ask the question of yourself first. Then ask your partner. See if what you’re communicating lines up with what they actually need to hear.
Kim Polinder is a relationship coach, associate therapist, and author of Why We Fight (HarperOne, July 2026). A book about why couples fight, what’s actually happening underneath, and how to find a way through it. The Practice is the weekly home for this work.